Growing up under these conditions causes both physical and emotional harm as we grow into adulthood, and it always takes a long time to heal. As young children, we are conditioned to want to be very close to our parents and find their winning approval. It's an instinct we're born with in order to have a successful physical, social and emotional development. If we grow in relationships lacking that bond, it's not likely there will be a positive connection in the household as the child grows into an individual and it affects how they live the rest of their life.
When we're placed in a situation where we have little control over the relationship we formed with our parents, there are a few ways we can positively move forward and past the tribulation:
Remove the Blame
It's not your fault. You didn't chose the life or family you were born into. There cannot be blame towards what your parents did or didn't do while you were learning everything about the world for the first time. Self-pity or anger and resentment are not emotions you want to respond with.
The truth is, no one is entitled to having good parents. Yes, it's something a lot of fortunate people have, but that doesn't mean everyone has them and should. Having good parents is a privilege, not a right.
If you live with your parents and the dynamics at home prevent you from being happy, you must distance yourself. Your focus should be elsewhere; on positive and proactive ideas. Focus on earning financial stability to pay for a place of your own soon. In the meantime, be polite and helpful around the house. Keep your distance, but do your part and move on quickly.
Emotional Fulfillment is Not Reliable
We know we can no longer rely on them for our emotional needs. Many of us make the mistake in thinking that there must be a reason our relationship with our parents is a negative one and that the reason is us. We try to figure out the right steps to take, make changes in ourselves and think our parents will automatically love us, and that this time it will be different. But time after time, we realize that things don't really change, or in fact, have gotten worse.
Knowing this, you save yourself a lot of hurt and wasted time trying to go to a parent who is incapable of providing the kind of love you need.
Understand the Generation Gap
There's a reason our parents ask us if we've eaten all the time because they grew up in a time where food was scarce. They grew up with a generation that focused on prosperity because the was the direction of our country when they were growing up.
They think we're spoiled because our generation is focused on exploring deeper topics such as self-actualization, life-fulfillment and enjoyment because this is the direction of our developed country as we're growing up.
They are two completely different world and different ways of understanding. It's natural that there potentially may be a disconnect.
Evaluate Yourself of Any Picked-Up Bad Habits
There may be a few habits you may have picked up from your parents that seems normal to you as these home dynamics establish our founding baseline.
Arguments, running away when there's been a conflict, being passive aggressive, or even actively aggressive--both physically and emotionally, all begin to feel normal. This behavior has the potential to be replicated and applied to current and future relationships. To not repeat the same mistakes and ruin the relationships you do have control over, check in with yourself and make sure you won't be continuing the cycle.
Cultivate Your Own Community of 'Family'
Your 'family' is only as small as you make it. It's just one part of our lives, it's not the only bond we are capable of forming with people. I think one of the most damaging ideas we give each other is that blood family are the people we have the strongest connections and deepest type of bond there is to be had with. There will always be someone who is not related to you by blood who loves you back.
The people who were raised with disappointing parent-relationships have one thing to really look forward to: creating a new beautiful family of their own. We can focus on working hard, earning a living, and ultimately finding the right stranger out there who was one of the lucky ones to grow up in a healthy and secure home.
Choose to change your life and involve yourself with people who truly have your best interest in mind. Family is something you're uncontrollably born into, but family can also be something you actively grow and foster with the kind of love you wanted to live with all along.
As we learn more through the years we grow up, we understand the control we have over our lives and how we can choose to react and perceive things. We also learn we have to power to choose who are the active participants in our lives and we surround ourselves with the right people we need to grow and succeed in our relationships with people.