From this blog, I have learned that being tender and open is beautiful, a challenge I had to face because I like to be reserved and push my feelings aside. As women, we are constantly put in this stereotype that we are too sensitive, mushy and emotionally unstable. I've learned not to let someone steal our tenderness. Don't allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish our perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing ourselves to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a past lover, a dream, an article, a photograph, a mountain, or a rain drop; feel it all.
Pain makes everyone seem more human. Remember the power you hold. You are not an empty vessel, waiting to be filled with pretty words and unwelcomed touches. Do not push your feelings aside, bite your tongue or swallow your words. Spit them out. Let the world know you are a force to be reckoned with.
Do not let the one who broke your heart make you so cold. Because before I met him, I would dance and sing in the shower. When he was in my life, I would only think about showering with him. After he left me, I would sit on the ground in the shower and cry. When I got over him, I'd shower so quickly there was no time for dancing, fantasies, or tears. It still surprises me how one individual can have such a powerful impact and be able to invade the smallest parts of your life. You won't realize the effect he had on you until you find yourself dancing and singing in the shower again and you wonder why you ever stopped.
I feel like I've been through hell and back. I have blemishes, bruises, and marks that can't be erased. I try not to think about it all too much. If you over think anything, it just breaks your heart and then you never really recover from it. Indifference may not bring excitement but it does allow you to survive.
People loved you, abandoned you and left you with scars. Every person you meet and every relationship you have ever been in, has affected you in some way. No matter how minuscule. Every person you have met has hit you, and hit you hard. That abrasion and pressure they hit you with has chipped a piece off you that you no longer needed. Life takes you through this journey, and people hurt you, but this sand paper is smoothing you down. Your sculpture is being created. At the end of this journey, those people have helped you become the person you are today, the person you were meant to become. Your sculpture is being created every time a piece falls off.
That's ultimately why I have begun to take writing a bit more seriously. Language is so amazing if you think about it. Letters and sounds strung together can so eloquently capture your melancholy and loneliness. And when you decide to share your thoughts with the world, you're stunned by how universal your feelings actually are and it makes you feel a little less smaller and less isolated.
So I will continue to write about a love that only exists in my memories. I will heal myself with my own words. I will write. Write until it stops hurting. From this point forward, I am going to shed my old skin and emerge in a body your fingers have not yet touched. I won't be yours anymore. I will only belong to myself. You have already taken everything from me, but you cannot take away my words.
Love and heartbreak are simply the catalysts for your journey. Let them take you where they may. Go, create.
Photograph by Kinsey Mhire